The Leadership Lie Too Many of Us Believe
Why so many people reject leadership (and why they might already be doing it)
In coaching conversations, there’s one statement I hear more often than you’d expect: “I don’t want to be a leader.”
When probing further into their rationale, the answers usually fall into one of three categories:
“I’m not a leader.”
“I can’t be bothered dealing with other people’s dramas.”
“It’s too stressful. I just want to do my work and go home.”
Fair enough, right? Well, no, not so fast, I say.
Sadly, most of us have seen leadership done badly. And so these experiences have shaped the way we understand what leadership is supposed to look like.
Many of us have worked with people who talk over others, constantly make snap decisions without consulting the team, hoard credit or avoid hard conversations. We’ve watched “leaders” throw their team under the bus when things go wrong or take up all the air in the room when things go right.
And so, understandably, many people decide, “If that’s leadership, I want no part of it.”
But here’s the thing — that’s not leadership. It’s just bad behaviour from people in positions of authority.
The false narrative of leadership
There’s a false narrative many people have absorbed:
❌ Leadership = title, authority, pressure, conflict management and very little reward
❌ It’s seen as a performance — loud, assertive, always in control, always on
❌ The ones who have the expertise must be meant to lead
❌ It’s about dealing with dramas.
No wonder so many people opt out.
But the truth is, real leadership looks very different.
✅ It’s often quiet
✅ It’s deeply human
✅ It's about inviting others in
✅ It's about knowing how to set boundaries, model behaviour and manage energy, not absorb it.
And it starts with who you are — not what role you have.
The traits you dismiss might be your greatest strengths
What I find over and over again is this: The very people who claim “I’m not a leader” are already showing leadership in the most authentic, powerful ways — they just don’t recognise it.
They:
Show up for others when things get tough
Influence others through trust, not authority
Advocate for what’s right, even when it’s unpopular
Help people work better together
Care about people’s wellbeing and want to see everyone thrive.
They don’t call it leadership. But I do. Because leadership isn’t about being in charge. It’s about taking responsibility — for yourself, for others and for creating a space where good things can happen.
There’s more than one way to lead
The other thing we need to unlearn is the idea that leadership only comes in one flavour: bold, loud, unshakeable.
The truth? There are as many leadership styles as there are people.
✅ Some lead from the front.
✅ Some lead from the side.
✅ Some lead by quietly holding things together so others can shine.
✅ All of them are valid. All of them are needed.
Workplaces, communities, nations even, are crying out for empathy, emotional intelligence and inclusive thinking — the very things many of us have been taught to downplay.
Rewriting the script
If you’re one of those who've ever said (or is still saying), “I’m not a leader,” I’m not here to convince you to chase a promotion or start calling the shots in every meeting.
I am here to invite you to look again — at your values, your impact and the way others naturally turn to you.
Maybe you’ve been leading all along. And maybe, just maybe, you don’t have to become someone else to keep doing it. You just need to recognise it — and own it — on your own terms.
Want to explore what your version of leadership looks like?
When I've helped clients conduct 360-degree feedback processes, I often find there's a discrepancy between how the client perceives their leadership compared to how others perceive them. We’ve written about blindspots before — and how sometimes, those blindspots are hiding treasures we didn’t even know were there [Link].
I work with people who never saw themselves as “leaders” — until they realised they were already making a difference. Let’s connect and talk about what leadership could look like for you.
