Reality checks, heart checks and a hint of humour
Last week handed me a few reality checks, some subtle, some not so subtle. And as I sat with them, I realised they weren’t just about what was happening around me but what was happening inside me.
Reality check #1: Listening to understand
Having a growth-focused conversation with a teenaged boy can be delightful. It can also be immensely frustrating. Especially so when one party views the other as being "on their case" or, conversely, one party relies on trumping with their age card. One of the loudest lessons such an interaction taught me this week was how often we listen to refute, rather than to understand. As we get older, we'd love to believe that we get wiser. However, that's not necessarily the case. In fact, it’s as if we collect rebuttals faster than we collect wisdom.
But if we’re only waiting for our turn to respond, we’re not really listening. We’re defending. That kind of listening shrinks our world. It breeds ignorance, and ignorance, as I was reminded again, breeds fear, animosity and even hatred.
Last week I wrote about Holding space. When we listen to respond instead of listening to understand, we hold space not for others, but for our egos and our desire to win. A mental flip can help us shift the narrative: What if I were the other person? What would I value in this interaction? Is it an instinctive response or a listening ear I'd find most valuable? Flipping the script like that can be uncomfortable because it forces us to hold up the mirror. However, growth can only occur when we identify the areas we need to grow in. And listening to understand may very well be one of those areas.
Reality check #2: Taking the front seat
Here's another reality check that hit home for me this week: If you sit in the backseat of your own life, don’t be surprised if you never arrive where you hoped to be. Agency matters. Dreams don’t drive themselves. Whether it’s career, relationships or personal growth, waiting for life to steer for you is a gamble you’re unlikely to win.
Looking at that teenager, I saw latent energy. I saw potential… but it was sitting in the backseat of their own life, waiting for someone else to take them where they wanted to go. We explored the difference in perspective and the potential of giving someone else the wheel to steer your life. There was a glimmer of realisation, a spark of "I get it" and, thankfully, some positive action.
Reality check #3: Building in, not fitting in
Then there’s the reality of how we treat the people who matter most. Too often, we fit them in around everything else rather than building them in from the start. The people who fill our lives with meaning deserve better than leftovers. This check hits really hard for me living in another time zone to my aging parents. For me, it's not only a reality check, it's also a heart check.
The heart check it triggers also needs to measure up against the compassion we show ourselves. Because we can't show up for others when we don’t show up for ourselves. And that means knowing when to hold our feet to the fire and when to soften towards ourselves. And sometimes that's the hardest thing to do.
Reality check #4: Embracing imperfection
What that led to was another reality and heart check: Only when we embrace imperfection do we open the doors to our potential. Being compassionate to ourselves opens the door to acknowledgement that we may not be made perfect, but we are perfectly made. Strength comes from admitting and accepting that we don't always have it together. And that's perfectly ok because the goal is not perfection, it's growth.
Reality check #5: Liberty, justice… and a bit of humour
Recognising our own imperfection should also make us humbler when we judge others or entire groups because injustice often begins with forgetting our shared humanity. As I took the microscope off my own life and expanded my view to matters of a global nature, I observed a reality check which, for many, has yet to hit home: liberty, freedom and justice are essential ingredients of enduring peace. That's true in global politics and it's true in the quiet (or not so quiet) politics of our workplaces. Because without justice, there’s no real stability, only tension on pause.
And yet, in the middle of the seriousness, the reality (and heart) checks, the universe still finds ways to make us laugh. A misplaced coffee order, catching the (seemingly inappropriate) tail-end of a conversation or the oddly meaningful coincidence like spotting library books in just the right order that nudges you with a grin. They're a light reminder: Don’t take yourself too seriously.
Final reflection
Reality checks can sting but they’re also heart checks. They ask us:
Am I really listening to understand?
Am I actively steering my life or just along for the ride?
Am I building in the people and values that matter, or just fitting them in where there’s room?
Am I willing to soften my heart where it’s grown hard?
Sometimes, the universe teaches through discomfort. Sometimes, through laughter. Either way, the lesson is the same: wake up, pay attention and lead with a little more heart. Check ✅.
