When help feels like a threat

The other day, I was travelling along the waterfront and came across a pair of seagulls.

So, as you do, I briefly considered having a conversation with them. Actually, I’d stopped to admire the view and just happened to noticed the pair.

What caught my attention was that one of them had a piece of fishing line hanging out of its beak and the other bird was doing its best to help.

Naturally, I did what any well-meaning human would do. I tried to get closer to help remove it. But of course, every time I moved forward, it moved away.

I slowed down. I softened my movements. I even found myself using a calm, reassuring voice - quietly convincing myself they’d understand I was there to help, not harm.

Surprise, surprise - they didn’t.

After a while, they got bored of my outstretched hand and calming tone… and flew off.

Slightly disappointed, I got back on my e-scooter and carried on.

About a kilometre down the track, guess who I bumped into again? Yep. My new-found avian friends.

There they were, still trying to figure out what this unwanted object was all about. So I tried again.
Same approach. Same intention. Same calm, steady movement.

This time, I got within an arm’s length. Close enough to genuinely believe I could help. Close enough to convince myself they might finally understand what was on offer. Close enough that I genuinely believed they would realise that self-help had its limitations.

But… it wasn’t meant to be.

Off they flew. Across the water and into the distance. Convinced, no doubt, that I was a threat rather than a solution.

For some reason, that interaction lingered in my brain.

Because as I made my way home, I couldn’t shake the thought of how often we see the same pattern play out… just with another species - Homo sapiens.

When help doesn’t feel like help
How often do we do the same? Someone offers:

• feedback

• support

• perspective

• a different way of doing things

And instead of leaning in… We pull away.

Not necessarily because the help is wrong. But because of how it feels.
Uncomfortable. Exposing. Threatening, even.

So we create distance.

Not everything that feels uncomfortable is unsafe. But we often treat it that way.

Where leaders get it wrong
This is something I see often in leadership and coaching spaces.

Leaders who genuinely want to help.
Managers who care about their people.
Coaches who can clearly see what’s holding someone back.
(Parents trying to guide a confused young adult child).

And yet… their help isn’t received. Not because their intention is wrong. But because their approach assumes something that hasn’t been built yet.

Trust.

Because the reality is: Help is not defined by intention. It’s defined by how it’s received.

And if there isn’t trust, even the right help can feel like a threat.

The missing condition
Some leaders believe their role is to provide answers.

To fix. To guide. To step in with insight and direction.

But leadership isn’t just about offering help. It’s about creating the conditions where help can be received.

That means:

• building trust over time

• understanding context

• reading the moment

• knowing when to step forward… and when not to.

Because without that foundation, even the best advice can land badly, or not at all.

And sometimes… it’s not about you
Here’s the part that’s even harder to accept.

Even when trust is there…
Even when your intention is right…
Even when your advice is sound…

People may still not be ready.

Because timing matters. Readiness matters. And sometimes, what looks like resistance isn’t rejection of you. It’s self-protection. Or simply… not yet.

Just like that seagull.

It wasn’t rejecting help because the help was wrong. It was reacting to what it perceived as a threat. And no amount of calm voice or outstretched hands was going to override that in the moment. 

Final thoughts
So let me leave you with this.

When someone offers you support, feedback or a different perspective:

• Are you receiving it for what it is?

• Or reacting to how it makes you feel?

And if you’re in a position of leadership:

• Are you only offering help… or also creating the conditions where it can actually be received?

• Where might you be assuming your intention is enough… without building the trust and conditions to support it?

• And where might you need to step back - not because your help isn’t valuable… but because it isn’t being received (right now)?

Because not all resistance is stubbornness. Sometimes it’s self-protection. Sometimes it’s a lack of trust. And sometimes… it’s simply timing.

And perhaps your Next Step isn’t to push harder… But to build trust first. Or to recognise it might be to step back (for now).